did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
