Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
