This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
