i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize