I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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