If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
