No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
