"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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