I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
