Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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