i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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