What a fucking waste of an outfit
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
