she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
