I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
