worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
