if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
