Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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