this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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