the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
someone owes me an orgasm
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
