So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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