im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
