you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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