I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
