just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
