ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
