and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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