The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
