I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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