I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
