JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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