you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
