Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
