My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
