the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You're like the curious george of whores
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
