It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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