I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize