He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
