Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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