Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
