explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
