just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Two words: nipple clamps
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