dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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