Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
