Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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