so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
