wrigley field is MILF paradise
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
