Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
