Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
