ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
