its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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