Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You are a genius and a whore.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
