im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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