I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
