I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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