this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
