I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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