that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
