just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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